Always
by NevilleBamf
Summary: He will never forget her.


Your ghost haunts me. I try to escape but you follow. You are with me in my dreams and in my waking hours. Hating me for the way I treat your son, loving me for protecting him...because that is your nature, your wild, over the top, sweet sweet nature.Oh Lily, if only you could have loved me and not him. If only you knew that everything that pulled us apart gave me more pain than you could imagine, more pain than you would have ever felt and if I had the chance to change it I would in a heartbeat. When you died I died. I felt numb and lost and more angry than anyone could be. People were celebrating all over the country, I was mourning your death.

I had begged him not to harm you, I begged him not to kill you. He even gave you a choice, you could have lived. He only wanted your child. Why didn't you step aside Lily? You should have just stepped aside. I did everything I could to protect you but it wasn't enough. Every night I lie awake wishing I had done something more, something more to protect you, to keep you safe. I should have given my life for yours because what I did wasn't enough to save you.

You died Lily and you left me here still loving you. Loving you after all these years. Loving you the way no one else could have ever loved you. People often ask me why my patronus is a doe, few guess the reason. Only I know the truth. It is the only part of you I have left.

But I can feel you, everywhere I go I feel you. I know what you would say in every situation, how you would react to everything I do. I even know that when your son finally came to school you would march up those front steps and confront me yourself for the way I treat him...if you were still alive. I know you would demand to know why I was acting that way and I would tell you and you would shout and I would just watch you. Watch you and love you. And as you shout at me I would want nothing more than to cross the room, take you in my arms and never let you go...even though you would still protest.

You always were stubborn. Stubborn and always right. You used to get angry and hurt so easily that I would make it my own secret project when we were young to make sure I did at least one thing every day to make you smile that amazing smile. And even if just half an hour later you were shouting at me it wouldn't matter because I would know I had done something to make you happy.

What I would give to hear your voice again, even if raised in anger. Sometimes I even think that would be the way I would want to hear it. Red hair flaming, green eyes burning into mine. You might have been angry but when you were you were lit up with such a passion...that was when I loved you most, when you showed that passion. It radiated from you like you were the sun itself.

And you were so kind-hearted. You still believed in me for all those years and I betrayed you by turning to him. If I could go back and re-do it I would just so that I could know what it felt like to hold you in my arms at least once. I wish I could have kissed you and told you how much you meant to me. I wish I could have begged you to forgive me for everything I ever did to hurt you. I wish you knew how every single day of my life since has been a punishment. A punishment for treating you badly, a punishment for not protecting you like I should have and a punishment for not taking my chance when I had my whole life you were my only source of light, the only thing that made my world bearable. Even the last time I saw you, the day we left Hogwarts, you looked at me and smiled and I knew that as long as I could remember the way you looked in that moment that I could survive.

I just wish he hadn't seen what I had. I wish he hadn't seen the sun and the light and the kindness that was is your heart and made up your entire nature but you were happy with him. For such a long time I coped without you just by saying that as long as you were happy I was happy. But I was never happy without you.

I have only one picture of you. You are laughing and smiling and you look so beautiful. So Beautiful. Lily you never truly knew how beautiful you were. I remember that you used to bound into the great hall, hair flying behind you, eyes shining, and you would stop right behind me at the table. You would ignore all the calls from the slytherins and you would bend down whisper good morning and hug me before you ran off to your own table. You were an image of pure beauty.

And those eyes. Those eyes could laugh and cry and scold all at the same time. Such a brilliant shade of green and they will be burned on my soul forever. They were eyes that used to give me so much joy but now only bring pain.

You will never know Lily how difficult it is for me to see your son wandering around acting like his father with your eyes. Every time I look at him all I can see is you and the pain wells in my heart and its all I can do to stop myself from breaking.

But I will protect him, I will protect him for you. When I was told of your death, I was told of his survival and I vowed then I would never have him harmed. It is the only way I can forgive myself for what I have done. I am responsible for your death but it is my duty to protect him from the same fate. He may be like his father but he is your child. A part of you and I wish I could have protected you down to the last red hair on your head.

Oh Lily, my beautiful, wonderful, amazing Lily. I try to express how I feel but the words feel wrong. There is nothing that will ever convey how broken I am. The world thinks I am strong just as you thought I was strong but it could not be further from the truth. You are on my mind from dawn till dusk and dusk till dawn. Your memory is burned on my heart and my soul but though I know you would have forgiven me I can't bring myself to forgive me.

I let go the most precious thing in my life. I let you drift away on the wind into the arms of a man who would not be able to love you half as much as I always have and always will. I pushed you into a storm that I could not calm no matter how hard I tried. I lost you and I will spend every moment of my life trying to make up for that.

There are so many questions that race through my mind. If I had never turned to the dark arts would you have loved me like I love you? Would I be the one with a child who has your eyes? If you had survived would you have ever forgiven me? Do you forgive me now? Do you watch over me and do you hate what you see? Am I your Sev again or am I a stranger? Can I ever make up for what I have done? Did you ever love me at all? Why didn't you just step aside?

The questions circle and circle and I wish I knew the answers though I know I will never get them. Sometimes I return to your house and just stand outside looking up at the ruin knowing that that was where you took your last breath. I climb through the rubble and up the decaying stairs and run my hand over the spot where you lay and I can't help but let the tears fall. I pray that while I lay there you will answer me but you never do. I will never know the things I need to.

There are so many things I wish I could have told you and I never got the chance. Like how sorry I was that I called you that dreadful name, how I am sorry I ever turned to the dark arts in the first place and neglected you. I wish I could tell you how much you meant to me and how every moment I spent with you felt like a dream I never wanted to wake up from. I wish you could have known how I was torn between wanting you to be happy with him and wanting you for myself but most of all I wanted you to know this...

Lily Evans you are, have been and forever will be my one true love. Always.


End file.
